Kinder Eggs, Part 1

dancing...

It seems as though I dance through my days more often than I realize.

A few nights ago, in the middle of angry words and hurt feelings, my husband and I cleaned the kitchen together.
Our little kitchen is barely wide enough for us to stand side by side in;
yet, we somehow stepped around each other without bumping, without being in each other's way.
I unloaded the dishwasher and he scrubbed counters,
and we moved with grace....
but spoke without it.
When the counters were clean and the sink was empty,
I was amazed at how seamlessly we did that...
How could we argue so harshly, so hurtfully;
but clean a kitchen together so well...

Today, when Austin came home from school, the house was fairly clean.
In the time it took us to do homework, eat dinner, and play before bed,
it was all a disaster again.
We had a plan- David would tuck the boys into bed and I'd start cleaning...
The boys had a different plan- they wanted me.
So I stopped cleaning, and tucked them.
David and I danced through the living room picking up toys,
and clearing the dinner table, and returning a stray child to his bed,
and back to the living room to fish trains from underneath the table....
and back to the bed rooms to quiet and comfort little boys...
and back to the kitchen to wipe counters...
and back to the hallway to warn a child to settle under the covers....

And we did this dance in and out of their rooms, into the living room, into the kitchen,
moving around each other, and turning together...
without even really knowing that we're doing it...

But we are.
We're doing this.
Together.
This dancing.
This living.

I hope it lasts forever.

then and now...

Then, after a 14 month deployment to Iraq:

May 2009
 Austin is 27 months old. Cade is 7 months old, to the day.

Now, after almost 11 months in Afghanistan:

January 2012.
Austin is a few weeks shy of 5 years old. Cade is 3 years, 3 months old.

airing our dirty laundry...

Since I've already aired our "dirty laundry,"  I thought I'd also tell you that my husband came home to a broken dryer.
Last week, our housing office had sent someone to fix it. It couldn't be repaired, so we set up a time for it be replaced.
I sent two loads of laundry home with a friend and borrowed my neighbor's dryer for a few loads... Thank goodness for good friends; we wouldn't have clean underwear and towels without them! 
But let's face it- Laundry is the last thing on my deployment to-do list, and it piles up.

Along with a broken dryer, my husband came home from deployment to a hallway piled high with dirty clothes.
Somewhere in all those dirty clothes are the socks he left here, that I've been wearing for the past ten months. I think it's time I buy myself some socks...
Yesterday, our dryer was replaced, and today, I must tackle the Mountain of Dirty Laundry... one load at a time. 

bringing the war home...

I mentioned yesterday that sometimes the real battles begin once the Soldier returns home... 
R&R and Homecoming are often thought of in the light of romance and rainbows, and while yes, that is true, there are other feelings, emotions, and issues that can interrupt the happiness.

I want to share our lives with you; I want you to understand me, my actions, and my love for this wonderful man and the family we've created together. I want to be honest here in this space, but I also need to protect and respect our family's privacy.
For you to understand even an ounce of our life as a military family, I have to open up and let you in a little more than I have....

R&R was a rough two weeks for our family. What should have been a fabulous getaway to the beach, quickly turned into two weeks I don't even want to think about...
On day ten of our R&R, I made a decision that will forever affect our family. I packed my things, I packed the boys' things and we left the condo.

My husband spent the last four days of his R&R alone, in a condo at the beach. He had to take a shuttle to the airport to catch his return flight to Afghanistan.
I won't go into detail; I won't defend my actions- nor, will I defend his. In the same breath, I can't deny them either.
I will say that I know, get, understand what someone means when they say, "Soldiers never leave the war." I also understand what it means to say, "Soldiers leave one war and come home to another..."

David and I have spent the last five months trying to salvage our marriage and our hearts. We're both hurt and broken and co-dependent. We've tried to take things one day at a time, but really, we were holding our breath until Homecoming.
Our lives were on hold. There was nothing we could do, even if we had known what we wanted to do. Any decisions had to wait until he came home....

Yesterday, he marched into a gym and my eyes searched for him. As the sea of people dispersed, I still did not see him. I couldn't find his stride, nor could I find half-tilted patrol cap.

 I stood there defeated, as families reunited around us. I stood in the middle of a crowded gym and could not find our Soldier.
My heart sank.
Where was he? Is this how our deployment ends? 
I didn't want to move from where I stood in the middle of the gym floor, but I had to find him.

And then, after minutes of wondering what the hell was going on, he showed up- with a smile on his face and hugs for all of us.
(He was in the back of the formation and when he didn't see us, he walked outside to see if we'd wandered out there.... He found another soldier and called the house, when we didn't answer at home, he knew we'd be at the gym and he went back inside to find us.)

After reuniting with hugs in the middle of a now nearly empty gym, we buckled our boys into their carseats and we went home. Together.
If I'm being honest, I should tell you that a few months ago, I didn't know if yesterday would happen. I didn't know if we'd be in Germany for his Homecoming. I didn't know if he and I would hug and kiss in the middle of the gym floor, or if he'd simply scoop his boys up in his arms and that be that.

Some Soldiers never leave the war. My husband is one of them.
His Homecoming yesterday was filled with romance and happiness, but it's also filled with apprehension and worry. Our battles started yesterday, and I'm not sure when they'll end.

So while this deployment may be Praise! The! Lord! over, the hardest part has just begun....
Today? is Day 1.




[The photos above from Homecoming were taken by a dear friend. I, also, wanted to share that Kim Kravitz, a photographer and military spouse, was at our homecoming through Operation Love for a friend. She shared some amazing photographs of our family and the emotions I've shared here. ]