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P&S

There’s life in a broken heart and love in the deepest pain.
There’s beauty in praying your mess away, in scrubbing until your heart bleeds wide open...
and sometimes, there's nothing left to do but pray and scrub.

25.4.12

give, and let go...

Austin, Cade, and I- August 2010


I was hollering at one boy to get out of the road, nudging the other to pull his back pack onto his back before he dropped it in a puddle.
Quietly pleading with them both to hold my hand! stay on the sidewalk! stop splashing! don't wander too far ahead! CAR!
And I saw her, with her littlest one all snug on her chest. She was walking with a friend, casually chatting about their day. Two little ones danced around them and her free hands grabbed the hand of her oldest, and I knew that feeling all too well.
She saw me, too... Her eyes met mine, her arms wrapped tighter around the baby all snug on her chest, and a smile graced her face... 

I smiled back, and stopped micro-managing our five minute walk home from school... 

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I sold my beloved Ergo a few weeks ago at our yard sale... 
I came inside and told my husband, "I, uh, just sold my Ergo." 

"Why'd you do that?"

"I'm not sure exactly. She asked how much- I didn't even have it out to sell, I had it out showing our neighbor how awesome it was... She had a babe and a toddler and it's cold and windy and her arms were full... And I just blurted out a price, and when she asked, 'are you sure?' I said, 'yes."

And just like that, I ended our babywearing days.

 Truth be told, it'd been a few weeks since I'd pulled the Ergo out of the back of the car. Cade is three and quite capable of walking here and there. Austin is five and wouldn't be caught dead on his momma's back in a carrier with a flower on it. 

But both boys are well under the suggested 45lb weight limit and I can't imagine taking an international flight, trekking through airports without one of the safely strapped to my back... 
Then there's the whole thing where we live in Europe for only a few more months and exploring European cities and castles is no fun with a stroller, and even less fun with a tired three year old... 

And just like that, I ended our babywearing days. 

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I mourned that dang baby carrier for weeks days. I couldn't think about it without a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. 

It stung to plan a weekend away, and know we'd need to throw a stroller into the car just in case. 

We have to leave a few minutes earlier to get to school pick up on time. I can't toss Cade on my back for the walk there anymore. I have nothing to toss him in. 
When he misbehaves and refuses to walk on the sidewalk with his brother, I can't discipline him by scooping him up to safety onto my back again... 

We went on an exciting weekend adventure recently and we didn't miss the Ergo. We survived. The boys had an absolute blast and I quietly let my fears go... 

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And so, when I saw her today, with her baby snuggled in on her chest, I smiled and knew that she already loved my Ergo as much as we did- her little one safe on her chest and her arms free to pull the older one to safety. 

That was me, once, not all that long ago. 

But time marches on, and it changes things... 
Mostly, it changes you. 

You learn to let them wander a little farther away. 
You learn to let them walk home with wet feet because they splashed in that puddle. 
You learn to let go a little...